A while back, I got this text from my nephew "So I Just lost a good friend over an argument about LGBT rights."
My first emotion was sorrow, followed closely by guilt. If it weren't for me he wouldn't have lost that friend, because it wouldn't have been such an emotionally charged issue for him. I didn't respond right away, because he'd sent it in the middle of the night, but when I woke up, my sympathy had been replaced with a question:
"Should I tell this straight white male that I'm sorry he lost a friend?"
It took years for anyone to tell me they were sorry my orientation had destroyed friendships, and the apology hadn't come where I wanted to hear it.
Expressing sympathy would have allowed my nephew to feel validated in being upset, but was that actually good in this situation? After all, he was never an educated ally -he was simply an ally because I was his aunt. So this was a good opportunity to point out that he'd just gotten a small taste of what it was like for me to come out. "Welcome to my world."
In the end, my status as his aunt won over my status as a queer woman. Yeah, I might have educated him better with the stern approach, but the point when we stop treating others like human beings is the point where we lose the battle. Had I responded that way, he would have been less likely to come to me in the future. Maybe he would have been a smarter ally, but he would no longer have been my ally.
I just get so sick of this need that minority people seem to have, of wanting to feel powerful over the majority people. I really want us to get to the point where we see each other as individuals.
I have a straight white male middle class atheist roommate -athletic to boot -and it's the best thing to ever happen to me.
In this context, having him as my roommate opened me up to the idea, more than anything else could, that we're people first. The minority status makes us up, but we're people first. He does not think of me as a female friend, or as a gay friend. I'm just his friend. And I accord him the same.
So when given the choice of educating my nephew or sympathizing with him, I chose sympathy. Because I know that were the situations reversed, he'd return in kind.
