Understanding the Transgender Community

I'm cisgender. That means that the gender I identify with matches the one I was given at birth. (pretty much most of the planet is cisgender, but we can discuss the value of actually naming the term later) However, I get asked a lot about issues relating to gender identity. I don't mind these questions at all, and have taken pains to educate myself on the subject anyway, but for a long time, it was very hard for me to explain gender identity to people in a way that makes sense. It doesn't make sense, not unless you are part of the less than 1% of the population that is some sort of gender variant. If you're born cisgender, then understanding that anyone could be anything else is very difficult. Your gender identity is intrinsically tied to your body, and the idea that it could be different just doesn't click.

What I've especially noticed lately is a lot of people who get it to a point. They understand that there are people out there who are trans -after all, let's face it, that's simply a fact, and any rationally-minded individual is going to understand that fact. However, they don't get why you would be that way, or what that means. They know you are, but they still don't understand, and explaining it in terms of gender doesn't ever break that mental block they have.

Unfortunately, this is no way to create a good ally. All this does is silence objection; it doesn't build support. And I know my dear transgender cousins could really use a lot of support. So here it is. The one argument I have found that makes sense when explaining gender to people who are cis. More than any other way of explaining, I've seen cisgender people have an "aha" moment with this. Now, this may be a little triggering, but the reason this argument works is because  it evokes a strong emotional feeling, so I'd really encourage everyone to read it if you can.

Insecurity

Imagine, if you will, the biggest insecurity you have about your body. The one thing you wish you could change. We all have one, whether we admit it or not. It can sound insignificant, but thinking about that part of you makes you feel down on yourself, and nothing you do makes you feel better. It could be something like weight, but probably it's something more permanent like a body part that just doesn't look right, or a scar on your face, or maybe even asthma. Whatever it is, it bothers you a lot, and it's bothered you for a long time.

Now imagine that the very first thing anyone saw when they looked at you was that one thing. When they came over to greet you, they brought up your biggest insecurity. Whenever someone -maybe even a friend -introduced you to someone else, the first thing they told that other person was your biggest insecurity. Whenever you had to apply for a job, you had to disclose your biggest insecurity. In fact, every single government document wants you to share with them your biggest insecurity.

You can't hide it from anyone anywhere. It's not just something you see in the mirror -though that's true too. You can't even go to the bathroom without having your insecurity thrown in your face. 

And this doesn't just happen once. This happens every day. Every single day, someone is going to bring up your insecurity about yourself. Every single day, someone is going to judge you harshly for the very thing you hate about yourself.

What if you could make that stop? What if you could change that one piece of you? You'd be the same person afterwards right? You'd just be happier. More confident. When people called you by name, it reminded you of how much you've overcome. Things would be hard at first, but then you'd get comfortable, and the people around you would forget about your insecurities. They'd see you the way you want to be seen. Wouldn't you give anything, to have an insecurity like that erased?

This is the relationship transgender people have with their gender. It's not just about wanting to change their gender -it's something about themselves that they hate. People who are transgender feel no connection to that part of who they are -and yet with gender-specific bathrooms, male/female categories on government forms, and gendered names and pronouns, they are daily, repeatedly, being reminded of the one thing about themselves they wish to change the most.

This isn't to say that transitioning fixes everything. It doesn't. And it isn't to say that the transgender experience is completely horrible. Everyone has problems. But it certainly helps to have support on your side.

So the next time that you run into an issue relating to the transgender community, or balk at using someone's pronouns, think of this; how would you feel if someone was using your insecurities against you?