Gender

I've always considered my gender identity to be two types of female. Because naturally I don't think gender is just male or female. But I don't think it's fair to say that male and female are only one thing. I could be considered gender fluid, or bigender, if not for the fact that my masculine gender is still female in sex. I feel fully comfortable with my genitalia. Always have. The butch me is still a female. She's just dyke-y. And the butch me, to be honest, is much more bisexual.

There's a distinction between the two that I see that's pretty stark. But it's not a distinction that's always there, and that's okay too. Women are by nature very fluid. We have a natural monthly cycle -we're biologically programmed to go with the flow. I'm not saying I put a lot of stock in PMS. But I am saying that women are more ready to change more frequently than men. Hey, maybe it's not true. But it's a truth for me.

So when I think of the most butch me, I think of a valkerie. I think of a strong, powerful, independent woman who needs no one. I think of a vegetarian. I think of someone who can stand strong in a place where no one she knows is near her. I think of a pagan, balancing the dark and the light and at the end of the day, not caring much about gender or seeing much of a gendered world. I think of someone who cares deeply for those around her, but never lets anyone see it, because the butch me isn't allowed to be weak. At the end of the day though, the butch me wants someone to hold on to. She'll never let you see her weak, but she is.

The femme me is a firecracker. She's quick to anger, and quick to defend others. She's fiercely loyal. The only one who's allowed to insult you is me. The femme me likes sex a lot. She'll make out with anyone. But she doesn't like men at all. She thinks men are weak and fragile. You want to roll with this bitch, you have to prove you can tame her. She's not afraid to say how she feels, even if it hurts a little. She likes a little pain with her love. She's emotional and dark and fiesty and she doesn't come out to play much anymore because she gets in trouble a lot. She's also a smoker. And she thinks religion is idealist. And that vegetarianism is pointless. When I go home to my family, she tends to come out a lot because she's got a tougher shell than the butch. And every time I go home, I wind up breaking my vegetarian diet.

Neither of these versions of female is what female is dictated to us as. They share certain traits (like the need to feel secure without others, and more bravado than courage) but at the end of the day, they are different in certain ways. I think it comes from growing up in one place and then moving to some place completely different, with the goal of starting over, but I'm not the same person I once was.

Ever since my first relationship, however, my two identities have been blending together. Butch me fell head over heels for her. But butch me was supposed to be the strong, rational one. Femme me fell head over heels for her in two weeks flat. It took butch me a full month. It's actually fairly rare for my two selves to like the same person. So for my two halves to like the same person is a little strange. It gave them a bridge. And then she broke up with me, and butch me was shattered. I had to rebuild almost from the ground up and since then, there's been a lot more blend between the two.

Sorry, long rant. Tl:dr? Point is, who we are, the people we are attracted to, the gender we identify with, is all subject to change. We are all, as humans, constantly changing and growing all the time. Whether it's a good thing or not is for you to decide.